By Daniel B. Kline
Exactly how many hit singles does a singer need for people to forget that he was likely a child molester? If you only have a couple is it okay to rob a store or maybe to beat your wife? Perhaps Huey Lewis gets a free pass on a speeding ticket but Paul McCartney could murder a hobo with nobody thinking negatively about him.
Michael Jackson recorded a lot of hit songs many years ago, but he hardly deserved the fawning praise he has received since his death. Though never…
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Posted by Daniel B. Kline on June 30, 2009 at 7:32am —
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By Daniel B. Kline
When we start letting politicians set the standards for humor, then we have accomplished something not even Carrot Top, Jay Leno or even Larry The Cable Guy has managed to do. We will have killed comedy and what will remain will be as sad as knock knock jokes as pathetic as the "humorous" riddles on Popsicle sticks and about as funny as that wall plaque of a fish that sings.
If we take humorless dolts like Sarah Palin seriously when they get mock outraged at a late ni…
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Posted by Daniel B. Kline on June 23, 2009 at 7:23am —
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By Daniel B. Kline
When we first brought her home over 11 years ago she sat shivering in fear in the darkest corner of our apartment while my wife, Celine, and I sat close, but not too close, trying to make her feel better. I had never had a pet, let alone a cat before, and while I had visions of endless lap sessions, cuddling and purring, I had little idea what to actually do.
That night we sat with Calamity until her shivers turned to silence and ultimately towards walking up to us, s…
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Posted by Daniel B. Kline on June 15, 2009 at 10:51am —
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By Daniel B. Kline
Had I not been with my son who needed my services as a driver to get home, I may have gouged my eyes out with a Junior Mint during our recent viewing of Pixar's "Up." A mix of implausible with just plain boring, this film basically grew out of the idea that having a house flying because it got attached to a bunch of balloons made a nice visual.
Nevermind that helium balloons, even a lot of them, would not lift a house into the air like a hot air balloon and you still…
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Posted by Daniel B. Kline on June 2, 2009 at 7:21am —
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By Daniel B. Kline
Now that president Barack Obama has taken over the auto and banking industries with shockingly little outrage from the American public he has an almost entirely free hand to pursue his anti-capitalist agenda. Not precisely a socialist, Obama is more a deluded idealist who believes that everyone can be middlingly successful but nobody needs to be especially well-off.
In Obama's fantasy land, everyone has a house, a decent job, health care and enough money to take a vac…
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Posted by Daniel B. Kline on May 26, 2009 at 9:10am —
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By Daniel B. Kline
A wave of shame swept over me as I finished ordering my tall decaf skim iced caramel macchiato at Starbucks the other day. Perhaps the only way to make my order less manly would have been to request it served in a pink glass and humming an Elton John song as the barista made it.
Once a proud drinker of straight coffee with full caffeine and no flavors, whipped cream or other ridiculous alterations, stomach problems, the need to occasionally sleep and generally getting…
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Posted by Daniel B. Kline on May 19, 2009 at 7:32am —
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By Daniel B. Kline
While everyone seems shocked that the current Miss California, Carrie Prejean, disapproves of gay marriage and has posed for racy pictures, I'm mostly surprised that she got breast implants after winning the pageant. Even more unbelievable is that not only did pageant officials support her decision to enhance her assets, they actually paid for the procedure.
Basically, this action tells girls and women everywhere that even Miss California isn't quite good looking enou…
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Posted by Daniel B. Kline on May 12, 2009 at 7:33am —
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By Daniel B. Kline
Lowering taxes has historically always resulted in bringing in more tax revenue. This has not stopped countless politicians from raising taxes, mostly because increasing taxes for the people who don't vote for you is a great way to get support from the people who do.
Raising taxes removes incentive for people to work harder. If the major result of their hard work is to put more dollars into the endless sinkhole of government then people will simply do just enough. The…
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Posted by Daniel B. Kline on April 28, 2009 at 7:39am —
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By Daniel B. Kline
As my friend's almost two-year-old son repeatedly cried, "daddy, daddy, daddy" at his father who had gone outside to grill dinner for the group of us, I took some solace in the fact that it was not my child, crying at that moment. Of course, 80 or so miles away, my five-year-old son was likely laughing maniacally at my wife while using rude language and refusing to get ready for bed.
Whereas I once experienced some sort of nightlife and at least attended concerts, wen…
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Posted by Daniel B. Kline on April 21, 2009 at 7:26am —
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By Daniel B. Kline
Having just mastered Facebook, I'm a little perplexed that Facebook has become irrelevant and I should instead be using Twitter. Of course, by the time I figure out how Twitter works, the hipper folks will have moved on to something else and I'll be left "tweeting" to myself.
Technology now moves so quickly that if you're over 25 and know how to do something, it has already become irrelevant. As best as I can figure it, we're moving towards a society where technologic…
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Posted by Daniel B. Kline on April 7, 2009 at 9:08am —
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By Daniel B. Kline
Sam Zell, CEO of the beleaguered Tribune Company, I'm calling you out. You entered the newspaper industry full of ideas and ready to make changes, but instead of shaking things up you went for more of the same.
Here in Hartford, CT, like in so many other places you own newspapers, you decided to combat dropping revenue and flagging reader interest by having less pages and fewer staff members. You still plan on charging the same newsstand and subscription price, but re…
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Posted by Daniel B. Kline on March 17, 2009 at 9:23am —
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By Daniel B. Kline
If Barack Obama truly wanted change then he would propose throwing out our tax system and replacing it with a flat tax. No more sales tax, no more estate tax and no more to a thousand other little taxes; simply everyone paying the same rate on a dollar for dollar basis.
A truly just society would tax every dollar the same. Whether you make $10,000 or $10 million a year, everyone paying an equal percentage on a dollar for dollar basis remains the only fair method of ta…
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Posted by Daniel B. Kline on March 11, 2009 at 8:34am —
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By Daniel B. Kline
By taking Chris Brown back after he allegedly beat her before the Grammys, pop-singer Rihanna sends a horrible message to women and girls everywhere. Abusive men don't change their ways just because they get caught and going back to a man who punches you simply continues the cycle of abuse.
Leaving a batterer can be difficult for women who are not pop stars with infinite financial resources. Escaping can often mean leaving home and possessions behind for an uncertain…
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Posted by Daniel B. Kline on March 3, 2009 at 11:43am —
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By Daniel B. Kline
In between throwing up and attempting to get some sleep while battling the flu yesterday I was repeatedly text messaging my staff to see what was happening at work. This is when it occurred to me that I may have a slight problem and perhaps my text messaging habit had turned into an addiction.
The signs had been popping up all over the place, I was just too stubborn to see them. The previous month I had received a $300 phone bill because I had gone over my allotted 1,…
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Posted by Daniel B. Kline on February 25, 2009 at 8:45am —
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By Daniel B. Kline
After weeks of furious negotiating, President Barack Obama and Congress have delivered a confusing, 1,000 page financial bailout that none of them have even read. The plan, which costs nearly $800 billion, sends money a lot of places but almost none of it comes my way and that's where they have made an enormous mistake.
While, of course, I personally would like a big chunk of government change, I'm speaking of "me" in a categorical sense as a small businessman and upp…
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Posted by Daniel B. Kline on February 25, 2009 at 8:45am —
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By Daniel B. Kline
In my unending desire to become even more famous, I now plan to become either an unbending leftist or a unwavering conservative. I'll probably decide which by flipping a coin or checking to see whether I look better in a jacket and jeans or a suit with a bow tie.
Whether I want to be Rush Limbaugh or Keith Olbermann, I'll follow the easy path of never having to question anything to fame, riches and maybe a really big boat. When all your thoughts and values adhere rigi…
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Posted by Daniel B. Kline on February 10, 2009 at 3:41pm —
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By Daniel B. Kline
Walk into an IRS office and steal millions of tax dollars at gunpoint and you will almost certainly end up in jail. Have a bunch of kids you can't hope to support or even pay the hospital bills for and taxpayer money still gets stolen, but nothing happens to you.
As a society, we may have significant problems in our health care system, but we never kick a pregnant woman out of a hospital regardless of her ability to pay. This makes sense, as while the woman in questio…
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Posted by Daniel B. Kline on February 3, 2009 at 10:42am —
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By Daniel B. Kline
Supporting America's troops requires demanding that they get brought home from the endless, unwinnable war in Iraq. Anything short of taking these brave men and women out of this ungrateful country leaves them in mortal danger for less-than-noble reasons.
Our soldiers fight without questioning their orders and have made us all proud. They deserve to be used for better tasks then maintaining a tenuous peace in a nation whose people seem to neither like us nor want our…
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Posted by Daniel B. Kline on January 27, 2009 at 9:36am —
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By Daniel B. Kline
The easy part of the journey has ended for Barack Obama. Charisma and potential may carry you as a candidate and a president-elect, but actually serving as president requires a lot more.
Even as someone who has been critical of Obama from the day he announced his candidacy, I desperately hope that our new president can deliver on the hype. This nation needs a leader and Obama clearly has the charisma required to unite people. Whether he has the ideas and the ability t…
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Posted by Daniel B. Kline on January 20, 2009 at 9:38am —
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By Daniel B. Kline
While anti-Semitism should never surprise me, the vicious and hateful reaction to Israel's action in Gaza have reminded me just how many people still violently hate Jews. Instead of simply protesting against the Israeli efforts too many of the protesters featured on multiple newscasts immediately call for the destruction of Israel and death for all Jews.
Realistically, there should be a mid-point between "I agree with Israel" and "all Jews must die." Perhaps "Israel s…
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Posted by Daniel B. Kline on January 13, 2009 at 9:38am —
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By Daniel B. Kline
Being raised Jewish I never had to deal with my parents pretending that Santa Claus brought me presents and I was more than smart enough to understand from a young age that no such magical man existed. I also, perhaps through intelligence and perhaps through my inability to sleep well, always understood that my mother or father put the dollar under my pillow when I lost a tooth.
Parents often associate these fairly innocent deceptions with maintaining a sense of wonde…
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Posted by Daniel B. Kline on January 5, 2009 at 9:25am —
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By Daniel B. Kline
Never one to push an old man down the stairs, I'll make an exception if the old guy in the robe and the sash portraying 2008 happens to show up anywhere near me. I'm thinking that in this case "auld acquaintances should be forgot" and we should all start forgetting even if it takes a few "cups of kindness" to get the unpleasantness out of our heads.
2008 was a year that began with an economic downturn that steadily got worse and ended with a con man stealing billions…
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Posted by Daniel B. Kline on December 30, 2008 at 10:24am —
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By Daniel B. Kline
No amount of recycling, reducing our carbon footprints and conserving will ever appease the environmentalists. Nothing short of returning to a fully agrarian society will please these Al Gore worshiping blowhards because they support a cause where the solutions do not actually solve anything.
If we all recycle, use canvas bags at the supermarket, switch to those weird twisty light bulbs, pay all our bills paperlessly online and do whatever else the environmentalists a…
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Posted by Daniel B. Kline on December 24, 2008 at 7:10am —
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By Daniel B. Kline
NBC's plan to take Jay Leno, America's blandest, safest, least entertaining talk show host and give him a show every weeknight at 10 p.m., pretty much tells you everything you need to know about network television. Once a place where innovative shows were possible, if not likely, network prime time has become a place for safe bets, limited risk and lowest-common-denominator entertainment.
Once the home of some of the most daring and innovative scripted dramas ever pro…
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Posted by Daniel B. Kline on December 16, 2008 at 8:23am —
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By Daniel B. Kline
As America's "Greatest Left-Handed, Syndicated Columnist based in Connecticut," I have to say I'm getting fed up with meaningless superlatives. These seemingly descriptive adjectives make things sound good, but actually convey no useful information and often border on the absurd.
The practice of claiming unverifiable greatness may trace itself back to local, semi-famous restaurants. Since no legal authority presides over pizza or roast beef, it takes little more than…
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Posted by Daniel B. Kline on December 10, 2008 at 8:34am —
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By Daniel B. Kline
Like most retailers, I went to bed on Thanksgiving night filled with a weird mix of dread and optimism. Though I expected my store would have a strong "Black Friday," it was hard to not be spooked by the possibility that America's ongoing economic collapse would seriously impact our sales.
Fortunately for me, I run a toy and hobby store, an industry that has proven somewhat recession proof. Though people may cut back on luxury items and travel, they still engage in th…
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Posted by Daniel B. Kline on December 3, 2008 at 6:41am —
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By Daniel B. Kline
Taking three separate private jets to beg for money from Congress shows an arrogance so stunning that it makes Donald Trump look shy and modest in comparison. The action also proves that the American Automotive "Big Three" could get all the cash they want from the government and still find a way to be bankrupt a few years later.
While gas prices, economic changes and cheap foreign labor did not help the American auto industry, it's clear nothing could help three CEOs…
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Posted by Daniel B. Kline on November 25, 2008 at 9:14am —
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By Daniel B. Kline
If there's a lesson to be learned from our nation's recent financial policies, it's that if you're going to behave irresponsibly, be extremely irresponsible and the government will help you out. Spend money you don't have on things nobody would possibly need that aren't worth nearly what you pay for them and here comes the money.
This strategy works for businesses as well as individuals. Whether you're a person who took a huge adjustable rate mortgage he could not pos…
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Posted by Daniel B. Kline on November 18, 2008 at 8:41am —
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By Daniel B. Kline
While I'm no fan of Barack Obama, it's hard to not be proud of the fact that Americans have shed enough of their prejudices to elect a black man president. As a nation we're not that far removed from segregated classrooms, separate drinking fountains and other racist policies, but we have progressed mightily very quickly.
Still, however, just because we have moved forward, does not mean that all the work has been done. Prejudice remains and on election night it struck…
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Posted by Daniel B. Kline on November 10, 2008 at 8:23am —
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By Daniel B. Kline
After every election I become more convinced that we should require something beyond basic citizenship before we let people vote for president. Perhaps we could have a current events quiz, a psychological exam or some sort of intelligence test before we allow people to cast a ballot.
We should also consider taking away voting privileges from people who vote based on physical attractiveness, skin color, gender, how often a candidate goes to church and anyone who always…
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Posted by Daniel B. Kline on November 4, 2008 at 7:46am —
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By Daniel B. Kline
Having grown up Jewish, I never celebrated Christmas as anything more than a day to go to the movies, eat Chinese food and complain about all the stores being closed. Now that I'm married to a woman with a Catholic family I have to sandwich family events and Christmas dinner into the day, forcing me to drop the movie and eat the Chinese food fairly late at night.
Those traditions aside, I've never really thought much about the holiday other than it being a day off fro…
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Posted by Daniel B. Kline on October 28, 2008 at 9:06am —
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By Daniel B. Kline
Despite his popularity and growing lead in the polls, Barack Obama has yet to make a convincing case that he should be president. This likely will not stop him from winning the White House, but it still seems to me like we're giving the keys to a Porsche to someone who barely knows how to ride his Huffy.
Basically, Obama has gotten this far because of what he isn't. He isn't part of the establishment, he isn't "business as usual" and he isn't another old white guy. He…
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Posted by Daniel B. Kline on October 21, 2008 at 8:06am —
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By Daniel B. Kline
Fear and uncertainty bring people together. Whereas Americans seem to be too competitive to share joy on any grand level, we have an amazing capacity for empathy during shared moments of pain.
Nothing unites us like a national crisis and the current economic meltdown certainly qualifies. Everyone -- even those of us with good jobs and reasonable security -- faces the possibility of the economy interrupting or even ruining there lives and none of us wishes that on anyo…
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Posted by Daniel B. Kline on October 14, 2008 at 8:10am —
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(Originally posted on
DBKline.com)
By Daniel B. Kline
As America's leading toy store general manager/op-ed columnist, I may be the country's foremost authority on the joint topics of newspapers and fun. Though those two words might be mutually exclusive for some people, many of us who grew up loving newspapers gladly group them together.
For the younger folks seeing this column online wondering why my blog entry is so long, let me explain that readi…
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Posted by Daniel B. Kline on October 7, 2008 at 8:22am —
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(Originally posted at
DBKline.com)
By Daniel B. Kline
Being anti-abortion and against sex education, vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin has no choice but to act happy at her 17-year-old daughter's pregnancy. Realistically though, only a truly misguided person could actually be joyous at the news that her teenage daughter has made the choices that led her to this point.
Of course Sarah Palin welcomes the baby and will do her part to help her daugh…
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Posted by Daniel B. Kline on October 7, 2008 at 8:20am —
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Originally posted at
DBKline.com
By Daniel B. Kline
Putting O.J. Simpson in jail for his involvement in an attempted robbery of stuff he actually claims was his in the first place will do irreparable damage to the football great's "search for the real killers." Without O.J. scouring the golf courses, strip clubs and low-rent autograph shows of this wonderful nation, nobody will be doing anything to bring these mysterious murderers to justice.
With t…
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Posted by Daniel B. Kline on October 7, 2008 at 8:19am —
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